What is the National Assembly up to? By Bolanle Bolawole

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“I can see you dangling a brand new padlock. Is it for your doghouse?” “I don’t have a dog, least of all, doghouse. This padlock is for Fayose” “Which Fayose?” “Governor of Ekiti state, of course” “I see! When did you start working for him? And of all errands why must it be padlock he has sent you to buy?” “I am not working for Fayose and he has not sent me on any errand. This errand I am running is mine” “I see! And what is the errand, if I may ask?” “It is time to padlock Fayose’s mouth. Can’t you understand? He has been talking too much” “Really? Then you have woken up rather too late. He didn’t just start running his mouth, if that is what you mean” “Enough is now enough. We have to stop him before he stops all of us from breathing” “You sound like Abacha: ‘Enough is now enough’. Fayose’s is the sole surviving oppositional voice in the whole land” “Then, he is one opposition too many and must be discarded with” “The whole country will become a graveyard of sorts; an aridity where vibrant opposition once blossomed and flourished” “What Fayose is doing surpasses opposition. That man can cause civil war with his mouth. Like Nnamdi Kanu, like Fayose” “You must not drag Kanu into the fray. I will never see eye-to-eye with you on Kanu” “Of course, I know. Are you not a Biafra irredentist?” “And what is wrong with that? There is freedom of expression and of association…” “Not to the point of trying to dismember the country. Our unity is non-negotiable” “And who is negotiating it! But remember, those who make peaceful change impossible make violent change inevitable” “Trust me, once we cage Fayose, Nigeria will have peace” “Peace of the graveyard…” “Call it what you like; peace is peace” “Then, you should have bought two padlocks” “How do you mean?” “One for Fayose and the other for Kanu” “It escaped me. Anyway, let’s cage one first and cut the problem by half” “That is a tall order. How will you get access to a whole governor that is fully secured…?” “Where there is a will, there is a way” “Not in all cases, my brother. Remember the so-called Prophet Daniel who climbed into a lion’s den at the University of Ibadan’s zoo?” “I thought we would brainstorm on how best to get this job done” “Not me and you! You are on suicide mission and I am beginning to suspect if you have not joined Boko Haram!” “God forbid! Fayose must allow President Muhammadu Buhari the rest he deserves. Even in far-away London that the man has run to, Fayose will not let him rest” “You misunderstand things. Fayose is not against Buhari as he is against the cabals surrounding the president” “What is the difference: Cabals or Buhari? The peace of one is the peace of the other” “I beg to differ! While I have sympathy for Buhari, I loathe the cabals” “Every government has cabals; even churches and mosques have cabals. Power or elite theorists settled that argument a long time ago: ‘Who says organisation says oligarchy’” “I don’t know about that but I know we voted Buhari into office. If he can continue, let him but if he cannot, no one should rule us by proxy” “I see! The other time you accused me of sounding like Abacha; now, you are sounding like Fayose” “Truth is bitter, my brother…” “Is Fayose the only one who knows the truth?” “Throughout history it has always been that some people are more outspoken than the others. Cassius Louisville Clay, later Muhammed Ali, aka Lousy Lips, stood out in the USA against compulsory conscription into the Army to fight in the Vietnam War; it did not mean he was the only one who knew it was wrong but he spoke and stuck out his neck. In Nigeria, Fela, the self-proclaimed ‘Basket mouth’, did similarly. What have you got to say to those two great men?” “You don’t mean by any stretch of the imagination that you are comparing Fayose and Kanu with those two great men? Fayose wishes Buhari dead” “That is your own jaundiced interpretation” “Kanu wants Nigeria to go up in flames” “That, again, is your own bastardisation of the young man’s lofty ideals” “I am disappointed! You call brazen war-mongering ‘ideals’? You call rabble-rousers great?” “It depends on who is defining. Truth, I dare to say again, is bitter to those at the receiving end of it” “I am disappointed! We should end the argument but let me give this parting shot: I hold Fayose and Kanu responsible for whatever happens to Nigeria. They don’t mean well for this country at all and their names will enter the black book of posterity” “That is beyond you to decide. Time will tell and posterity, like you have said, will decide but I suspect that history may end up being kind to the men” “Which history: The one that has been cancelled from the school syllabus? You make me laugh!” “Laugh if you will but no Babangida can annul history. It is the sure recording of past and present events. Once there are people and events, like the ones we have been talking about, there is history already” “I am getting pissed off with your line of thought and we better end the argument. All I know is that when Buhari returns from his medical trip hale and hearty, Fayose will be put to shame and Kanu will return to Kuje prison” “Aaameeen!” “Believe it or not; the president will soon return hale and hearty…” “You forgot to add ‘and chatty; humorous as ever!’” “Even if you only believe Fayose’s rumour-mongering that the president is on life-support, he will return to continue his good work” “Amen one more time but how soon because time is running out and many of our compatriots are already losing their patience” “Men like Fayose, no doubt; but there is no hurrying the president. We have been told time and again that only his doctors can tell when he will return” “They must be told not to unduly delay his return. The Senate’s patience has grown thin already” “The Senate? What have they got to do with Buhari returning or not returning?” “Did you not hear that the Senate is squaring up with the acting president, Prof. Yemi Osinbajo?” “Yes, I heard the news – over his defence of Ibrahim Magu’s continuation in office” “The Senate is laying the grounds for Osinbajo’s impeachment” “You don’t mean it? Can an acting president be impeached by the National Assembly?” “Sure! And once they do, the coast will be clear for the chairman of the National Assembly to take over the presidency” “But where does that leave the president himself?” “You are just coming round to an understanding of the import of Fayose’s latest revelations on Buhari’s health…” “Ranting, not revelations; is he is London to know what he claims to know?” “Call it whatever you like. If his information is not authentic or close to the truth, a whole National Assembly will not be building castles on it” “I don’t understand” “Assume for a moment that Fayose is right and Buhari is on life-support; only a thin line separates the National Assembly from taking over the presidency” “Yes, they have only the acting president to contend with…” “…Which they are now poised to do…” “…But can it be that easy?” “Give some politicians an inch and see them take a mile. Have you forgotten how someone became the Senate president?” “The prize this time is by far bigger and the battle will be much more ferocious” “You may be right but what makes you think he is not more than prepared? Who gave him a chance the last time around?” “You are correct! And who thought he could survive the onslaught that followed?” “You are now getting the point. To make matters worse, Osinbajo might not be a match for him; he might just chicken out of the fight or be too naive politically to understand the undercurrents trying to sweep him off his feet” “Still, I am worried about the place of Buhari in all of this” “Which Buhari? Why are you so illogical? We started from the premise of assuming that Fayose is right and Buhari is truly on life-support; remember?” “Yes, I remember” “That being the case, you must, if only for the purpose of this argument, assume that Buhari, God forbid, does not exist or, at the very least, that he has no role to play in all the unfolding shenanigans; unless, of course, a miracle happens” “I am certain a miracle will happen. Pray along with me, please” “Amen. A miracle will happen and I have started the prayer already but first, focus on the argument at hand. With Buhari out of the way the National Assembly, going by the way they have been dragging Executive powers with the presidency, has only Osinbajo to contend with” “Yes, the Constitution is clear about it” “Correct, if they could fry Osinbajo for lunch over some sundry impeachable offences, what happens?” “The road, of course, is clear but can it come that cheap?” “What you think is hard comes cheap sometimes and what you think is cheap comes hard” “We are back where we started this argument. Fayose talks too much and must be gagged” “You sure need a stronger padlock to restrain the lurking terror” “Wahala dey!” “You now understand why the issues surrounding the president’s health has to be resolved one way or another very fast” “The acting president is a part of the problem; every Tom, Dick, and Harry treats him with disdain” “That is the dilemma of being neither this nor that. You cannot act presidential if you are not really the president” “I recall that Jonathan suffered a similar fate” “You agree with me then that history is repeating itself” “One history I never want to repeat itself is that of Biafra” “Then we have to act fast. A stitch in time, as they say, saves nine”